Captain Red Ass Speaks

Breaking his long silence since being named in the Mitchell Report, the author of the famous "my phone is TOAST" note on Dodgers stationary has expressed his deep sorrow and regret.

"In regards to Senator [George] Mitchell's report," Lo Duca said in a written statement, "I apologize to my family, all my fans and to the entire baseball community for [the] mistakes in judgment I made in the past and for the distractions that resulted. I am fully committed to being the best player and person I can be, on and off the field, for the Washington Nationals and the entire baseball community.

"I recognize the importance of my role in the community as a professional athlete, and I intend to focus my energies on making a positive impact in that regard. So that I can focus on making positive contributions and avoid creating further distractions, I respectfully decline to comment any further on the content of the Mitchell Report."

Good damage control Paulie, but you're still bat-shit crazy. Both for cheating on your playmate wife with Stoneonta's finest and trying to kill umpires after a strike two call.

Oh, and by the way, don't think that just because Crazy Eyes is off the juice he's not still going to go .500/6/36 in the 18 games the Mets play the Nats. The 2008 Mets: Your Beatdown at the Hands of LoDuca and Milledge Has Come!

Conspiracy Theorists

Herbs From South America

Add another well thought out excuse to the long list that includes flax seed oil and vitamin B-12. Herbs from South America. That's right. Herbs. From. South. America. Listen, we all could use a few more red blood cells. This, from everyone's favorite borderline hall-of-famer, Jim Parque:

"Either someone isn’t telling the truth, or steroids really don’t work because I was throwing 80, 81 mph before the report said I took them, and I was throwing 80, 81 mph after I allegedly took them..."

But what about the evidence Jimmy? The paper trail, the bottle of fucking Winstrol that you sent to a certain Rodamski character to "check out?" Did you want him to make sure they weren't steroids so you could feel even more self-righteous as you flushed it down your undoubtedly gilded and jewel encrusted shitter?

"Parque sent Radomski a bottle of Winstrol to ‘check out.’ Radomski determined it was ‘no good’ and discarded it.'’

[The Mitchell Report] goes on to say that Radomski had Parque’s phone numbers and address, as well as two checks from Parque totaling $4,800 that also were shown in the report.

Parque admitted to sending the checks and said he received in return ‘’a bunch of supplements, some creatine, vitamins, some stuff to increase my red-blood-cell count and some herbs from South America that were supposed to help with my injuries.'’

There you have it. Herbs from South America. There's a joke to be made in and of itself there, but I'm too tired to figure it out.

Hat tip to CSTB for the link.

Bless You Toasted Joe

Yes Joe, It's Toasted posted the "Adjusted Results" of the 2000 World Series based on the Mitchell Report. Check it out, it's worth it.

My favorite part (with regards to Game 2): "Comment: The juicers didn't help the Yankees on the offensive side, but 8 out of 9 innings were pitched by a cheater who almost killed the Mets' best player in a fit of roid rage -- and the Mets still only lost by 1. In other words, Game Two has to go to the Mets as well."

Well done.